Me, Daddy

It finally happened. After twenty years it happened. The birth/death of my first born son slipped through my memory. I don't know why this year. He was born on June 23, 1988 and died June 25, 1988. At his funeral, I promised him and myself that I would never forget him. Though his life was short, it affected me in more ways that I can even fathom. I was only 19. Stupid. I let his death keep me from living for many years for reasons I still do not know. Maybe I was not strong enough back then or maybe I was meant to take that path so that I could end up where I am today.

Because of that one event, or should I say two events, I am who I am today. Things would not have turned out the way they did. I would not have met my first wife, and without meeting my first wife, I would not have met and married my second wife and finally found true happiness.

It is seems odd to me now. The events of that time in my life. How depressed I made myself. How lonely I made myself. I dug a hole in my mind, climbed in and buried myself in all the bad things I could think of.

Now, I rarely think of those times. Walking around the middle of the night around campus by my self thinking of how alone and worthless I was. Man, was I screwed up. But I made it through.

I don't know why I am writing this. I just feel bad that I forgot his birthday. But maybe I forgot because I have a new life now. A better life. A happy life. I know it is not perfect, but whose life is? Because of him, I am who I am today. I now have 5 wonderful children, and a wonderful wife.

A few years after my son died, in the depths of my depression, I started writing to try and keep me sane. For some reason, I started writing poetry. I no longer write poetry for some unknown reason, but here is one that I wrote about him a lifetime ago.

As my tears fall upon the stone
I trace the name with a trembling hand
As each letter is formed, I relive the past
The pain my heart has had to withstand

The beginning and end of a precious life
That was seen by my innocent eyes
Forever changed the way I look upon this world
Turned inward, I watch as the light inside me dies

As I lift my trembling hand from upon the stone
I whisper a farewell and place a white rose
The memory of this precious life will never fade
And my tears will always flow

Peace, I'm out.