Not a Good Night

While putting dishes in the dishwasher, I heard it. As soon as I heard it, I knew what it was. It was my son J. I could her his muted cries and rambling from his and Zachary's room down the hall. As I dropped what I was doing to rush to their room, I could hear the squeaking of his bed and knew that he would be on his feet before I could get there.

As I neared the door, he stumbled into the hallway crying. "J, what's wrong buddy, did you have a bad dream?" I said.

All I got in return was crying intermixed with incoherent rambling and "...I can't do anything..."

I put my arms around him, trying to comfort him. "Its OK J. Its ok. I am here not. Daddy is here." I could feel him shaking and his little heart was going a million miles an hours and he was hot and sweaty also.

As I guided him back into his bed, he kept saying, "...I can't. I can't..."

Once he was back in bed, he tried several times to get back up and I convinced him to lay back down and cover up. He kept shaking and softly crying. I asked him who I was several times and he said I was Z (his older brother).

I asked him what was wrong, and he said that he can't do anything. I asked him why, and he said that "...daddy and mommy won't let me..."

I kept telling him everything would be OK and to get back to sleep, which, I knew, he probably still was. Finally, he went back to sleep, though not a restful sleep. I can still hear the bed creaking. I went back in several times to see him tossing and turning.

It breaks my heart every time I see him go through this. It is not very often, thank goodness, but often enough to where I think about consulting a doctor about it. I just feel so helpless.

I am sure it is something that I am doing wrong during his waking hours that causes him to have dreams bad enough to cause him to go through this.
I can't recall when he started doing this, but it has been going on for at least the past two years. Maybe when we moved out to Missouri. Sometimes, he goes for weeks without doing it, and sometimes he will do it several nights in a row.

To me, the hardest thing about being a parent is the feeling of helplessness when things like this happen. I would gladly trade that feeling for just about anything.

Helpless. I seem to be getting that feeling a lot lately. After a while, doesn't helplessness turn into hopelessness? I am sure I will be writing about that next.

**** ADDENDUM ****

I heard J tossing and turning all night long (I didn't sleep very well and had several bad dreams), but he didn't have any problems getting up and dressed for school and seemed in a good mood. Hopefully there won't be a repeat tonight.