April 2, 2011

Saturday
09:10

As much as I love my kids, and kids in general, I really don't want any more. Five is enough. My nephew is on number eight now. He is young so he will be able to handle it. I, on the other hand, am not young and though. The five kids we do have are the best, but always find myself totally drained by the end of the day.Wait, I should clarify that. I find myself drained by 7 PM.

I don't know how my mom and dad made it through nine kids. They did their best and it worked out. They were always there when we were growing up. They provided everything we needed and somehow managed to get us a few things we wanted.

I on the other hand am not doing so well. I quit working to stay home with our kids. My wife and I believe that one parent should be home with the kids. When our first and second born were babies, we both worked opposite shifts and had a family member watch the babies when we couldn't. But that was really hard on both of us. Since, at the time, my wife made twice what I was making, we decided it would be best if could stay home and take care of the kids and house while she worked.

I thought that I would be able to handle it and do a good job. As we added more children though, I started to question my ability as a parent. Watching my wife work so hard to provide for our family financially while I stayed home weighed heavily on my shoulders...as it does today.

I think about it all the time. I feel bad that she works so hard. I know she would like to not to have to work. I haven't worked in three years, and am in my early forties. How can I get a job that will support my family, especially in this economy?

Living in this small town doesn't help. Don't get me wrong. For the most part, small town life is great. I like the low crime, low traffic, the weather here is nice. But this town there are only two types of people. Those who have money and make a decent living, and those that don't with nothing in between.

I have to get back to my duties. I apologize. These are the nonsensical ramblings a frustrated stay-at-home dad.