Perplexed to the Point of Despair

I guess that I must be ignorant, naive, or my brain had been damaged in some manner when I was younger. Why you ask? Well, I have been a parent for ten years now and I still don't get it. Get what you may ask again? I don't get how other parents do what they do. I can not figure out how some parents can balance being a parent (and all that entails) with their own desires, hopes and dreams. I am sure that I have blogged about this before.

First off, I enjoy being a parent with all its ups and downs, laughter, and tears. I love my kids very much and consider my self very lucky to be able to stay home and watch them grow and develop and to be there every day for them. I wouldn't change it for anything.

But, I also have a intense desire do so some things for myself. I still need to finish two books that I started the past two years with NaNoWrimo.org where you are supposed to t write a novel in thirty days. I also would love to continue my learning of HTML/XHTML and develop my own blog using RadioUserland. Things that don't seem too difficult in themselves. But when 90% of my day is taken up with family and kids related tasks, it is very frustrating.

I just can't figure out how other parents figure out how to do things that they want sometimes. I see on the television, famous people or not so famous people doing all kinds of things. I know in part that it has to do with the number of kids they have and their income level, but I don't believe those things to be huge stumbling blocks.

It seems like every time I try and do some writing, after a few minutes or so, the kids start fighting, or they need something. I have to get up over and over so I just give up and have given up. When I wait until they are in bed, and I have finished the dishes, I am too spent mentally and physically to do anything but maybe watch a show or fall asleep on the couch.

I even took the kids to cub scouts for a time. My son Z went for a year back in Missouri and then he and his younger brother J went for a year here. This past year, I just couldn't do it. I was home schooling them and just couldn't figure out how to find the time to spend on projects and things and still do family stuff. Other parents at Cub Scouts were always talking about things going on and being involved with multiple things. Why can't I figure out how to do the same?

I just don't understand. That is why I think I have a tumor or some kind of rare brain disease that prevents me from understanding these things and being able to do the same as other parents.

My kids and family come first. So if there is nothing left for me, so be it. I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I have a wonderful family and wife that I love very much and our life is not so bad. I guess that I have just been feeling a little frustrated lately. People tell me not to sweat the little things and worry about the big things. But when a lot of the little things keep going wrong, they become big things.

I should dwell more on that I can do instead of what I can't.

I guess that is my babble for the day.